Tired of this stress…

It’s in my head, my back, my shoulders, my neck. I hate that we’re always in a hopping from one foot to the next situation. The only stress I have these days is money, not enough of it, enough not coming soon enough. I think about how much we make and how much our bills are and we have enough but one little surprise and we’re stuck. Right now I have a car outside I can’t drive because I didn’t get paid soon enough.

We have a house we can move into but have to wait to get paid to pay the deposit, so we pay a hotel (which will eat into the deposit) until we can get our deposit together. Every time we’re out of one financial bind, a new one shows up. When financial problems occur, I find myself thinking of the pizza I ordered because I’m too tired to cook and think how that money could have went toward, blah, blah, blah… then I beat myself up because I spent $30 on something frivolous. I remember how frivolous spending years ago was going out and spending $300 on a night with the girls and I cringe. That was before my parents became ill and I had to take care of both of them Physically and Financially,

I cry sometimes, I pray all the time and just remember “this to shall pass…”. But when, when does this pass. When do I stop stressing, worrying.  When does this pain in my neck, head, back and shoulders go away.  I get some relief sometimes, when all the bills are paid but that only lasts for about a week or two and then more of those fuckers show up. I’ve isolated me and my family because I know there are folks that were smiling in my face and waiting for my downfall. It’s sad so many folks feel that the only way for them to shine is by diminishing or extinguishing your light.  Then there are the folks who will push you over a cliff so they can pull you back, just to declare to anyone listening how they saved you.

I woke up this morning hurting all over because I knew what I needed to do and I know that it is almost impossible to get it done today. That it has to be today or we may lose everything. There’s a tightening in my chest, around my neck, I know it’s all stress because I may not be able to get it done today. I need about $500. That would make a huge difference today. But where do I get it? Lottery Ticket? Go Fund Me? Doing a Survey online? Maybe my Wheel Watcher number will come up on Wheel of fortune tonight. I have a better chance of getting struck by lightening than any of those things happening. Maybe I could slide in the DMs of one of the celebrities I follow on Facebook or Twitter and ask them for it. You see how they’re always helping random fans, so they’ll give it to me right?

I’m sad and tired and stressed and worried and angry as hell…

Love and Later Days,

-K

So Diamond Daughters Tshirts…

Diamond Daughters Tshirts are here.. my first signature line, Moody Tees, is available! Get your butts over there and buy my shirts, Most Tshirts are priced at $20.

All Tees are created by me or Raleigh. You can also check us out on FB! Follow the link to my shop: Diamond Daughters Tshirts

or Go to our FB page! Diamond Daughters Facebook Page

Share my page or repost! Thanks for your Love and Support!

 

Love and Later Days,

-K

 

Looking forward to…

I couldn’t wait to move to Myrtle Beach with my family. I love it here, I do, I just can’t afford to live here anymore. The cost of living down here is low but the jobs I’m qualified for are limited or pay next to nothing. What do you expect when you have an Administrative and IT background and you live in a community that thrives off of seasonal employment. (Most) Apartment complexes around here requires you to earn 3xs the rent. Most jobs around here pays about 2xs your rent.  The ones you qualify for, based on that formula, aren’t in safe neighborhoods.

Now that we’re moving to Raleigh or Durham in the next few weeks, I’m sad to leave the sand but not the situation. I’m tired of never having enough money, paying late fees waiting on the next paycheck to come through. I want to get to the day I get to turn around and relive my struggle and smile. I’m tired of living in the struggle. We have the tshirt eCommerce business up and running but not a single sale. If we could get some sales there that added income would help tremendously. Lord I’m tired, living in a hotel, barely making ends meet. Calling different bill collectors to ask for extensions on everything. I’m just tired. Now the girl that has been giving us an amazing discount on our room has been fired, so I expect the rate to go up. I’m exhausted and would love to rest on the notion that the bills are paid on time and everyone’s ok.

Keep me in your thoughts.

Love and Later Days,

-K

Pending Move to the NC…

There’s a lot  happening right now with me and my family. Raleigh told my (soon to be) step-kiddies about the pending move. I think it bothered him a little that they weren’t excited about it like he anticipated. To be honest, the kids are sort of like that… they have to “warm up” to a situation. Like when we visit or when they come visit for a while, they’re never excited but after a couple of hours they relax and the fun ensues. Whether it’s dance offs or playing “Heads up” (an app game like charades). Luckily, we don’t have one of the problems that most blended families have, the kids not liking each other, our kids get along great.

Idk if I mentioned it before, our youngest daughters are the same age and they have the same birthday. His son acts like a older brother to the girls, so he’s protective and bossy when it comes to both girls. They also drive him insane and they all enjoy playing with and watching out for their youngest brother (me and Raleigh’s toddler together). This makes everything easier when we’re all together.

The thing that has been making me anxious is, here in Myrtle Beach we don’t really have any family here, it’s just us. My friends and all my family, except one Aunt and Uncle, are in Philadelphia. I mean I know folks down here but not really “friends”. When Raleigh and I go out with others it’s either an at “work thing” or family who have come to town to visit.

When we move to NC, he will be around family and friends and I won’t have anyone there. I’m worried about him gravitating closer to them and away from me. The other thing is, Raleigh is like my youngest son.  My youngest is 14 years younger than our two younger daughters. Raleigh is about 15 years younger than his oldest sister, she was an adult by the time he came along. His brother is between 11 and 13 years older than him. They’re like parents more so than siblings. I don’t really have a great history with “in-laws” and I worry about them coming over a lot. I like to have company and to entertain but with me having a toddler, if you pop up at my house, you could pop up on anything. I mean toys all over the house, food in my hair. He could be in dirty clothes or playing in the toilet (especially now with him being able to break out of his playpen).  I don’t want someone to coming over “judging” what’s going on at my house.  I’m worried about the first disagreement I have with one of his sisters because of how it may effect us.  I know a lot of this stuff is unwarranted stress and just me being in my head too much but this is the best and healthiest relationship I have ever been in, Raleigh’s truly my best friend. We can talk about everything, stuff that could have broken other couples, makes us stronger and hold on tighter to each other.  We’re each other’s built in Cheerleaders.  It’s been almost 4 years and I swear, I’m still happy to see him and he grins like crazy when I pick him up from work, just like he used to be when I would pick him up from the bus station when we first started dating and he was 200 miles away and I don’t want anyone or anything to mess up my relationship.

I’m praying my fears and anxiety is all in in my head and won’t be an issue.  Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Love and Later Days,

-K

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Still on the move…

Those of you who have been following my blog for a while or all the years I have been posting, know I have wanted to move to Myrtle Beach for a long time. I finally get here and things start falling apart. I lose my job, car and condo in that order. In losing my home, I had to allow my mom to move to a facility. This has saddened me beyond measure.  I got pregnant shortly after I lost my condo, a blessing with poor timing.

We lived in a motel where Raleigh worked shortly after he moved here, then a brief stay with my sister (twice), then it looked like we were out of the woods and then some financial difficulty and another job loss made us have to move back to a hotel. Raleigh has a family home that he shares ownership of with his siblings, so we will be moving there shortly. It made him sad to move, even though he will be moving closer to his children, who we see about every few weeks because they live a little over 4 hours away, he knows I had planned on never leaving Myrtle Beach after I moved here, so he feels he let us down. I don’t see it that way, I see it as another blessing because at least we have that option. He just wants to make me happy but happy to me is ensuring that our family has structure and stability. The plan (for now) is to move there (NC) until his youngest graduates high school, which is a year after my daughter does.

This will allow us to save for a home and come back here by the time it’s time for our son to start kindergarten. So now I’m planning this move that’s going to cost us over $1000 to do, I’m kind of numb to it right now.  I don’t really know how I feel about it, what I do know is I don’t care where I live with Raleigh and the kids as long as we’re safe and healthy. So, I’ll check in when the move has been completed. Keep me in your prayers, if you pray. Your thoughts if you don’t…

Love and Later Days

-K

Getting my shit together…

I love that Raleigh has made sure I could pretty much stay home with Bubba for the last 16, almost 17 months.  He has done overtime at work and anything else necessary to make sure everything is paid so that I can just enjoy my last (?) child.  I do work, here and there but it’s seasonal.  One thing I didn’t bank on when I moved to  a “Beach” town, was employment being so scarce. This is giving me time to figure some shit out.  I still don’t know what I’m going to do but I do have some ideas.  Right now I’m setting up an ecommerce store, meaning basically, I create the “virtual” product and find a distributor who does POD (print on demand) there are a lot of self publishers who do this too. So far either I have liked the “storefront” but not be able to link my distributor or I’ve found a POD that has a “storefront” included and I hate it.

The last couple of days I have been working out the product and concentrating less on the store front, this allows me to not lose my mind.  I just keep thinking positive, you know the old “if you build it, they will come.” It’s nothing that will generate a whole lot of revenue but it’s something.  I also get to put a little “me” out there because the product contains my snarky.

I’ve also been taking conversational Spanish online to tighten up my Español (see what I did there 😀 ), I’ll be more marketable, provided I become completely fluent before Bubba graduates High School. I’m the chic who knows how to get her needs met in Spanish (don’t be dirty).  I can ask where my cigarettes are, order a Hamburger and beer, a shot of just about any liquor, order a drink.  Tell you my name, ask you to pronounce something for me, ask directions, tell you where I’m from and ask directions.  Tell you how old I am, count and say my alphabet. The latter is cool, if I can’t say something, I can always spell it.  But that’s it folks.  That’s all and I can read Spanish well, I just have trouble speaking it most times because after you say something to me, I have to translate in my head. Think of my response and then translate it back into Spanish before saying it and even then the other person mostly ends up laughing at me.  Sort of why I don’t trust translators.  How do I know that you’re really saying what’s being said?  Like the guy who translated for Governor Nikki Haley in American Sign language, Jason Hurdich, he looked like he was having way too much fun, telling us we were all about to die and to evacuate.  Don’t believe me?  Click his name in this post or google him and hurricane Mattew, you’ll see what I mean.  It gave me flash backs to that douche bag who was the Sign Language Translator for Nelson Mandela’s Memorial back in 2013, remember him, we later found out he was a fraud! I don’t think they ever found out who he was… what were his intentions? Now Jason is the real deal but, well, ya’ll know I’m paranoid, lol.  Off track, sorry.

I’m still doing tech support from home but it doesn’t pay well.  It does cover the car note and insurance but I want to get back into my own home, (we’ve been living in a hotel for two months).  The one we’re staying in is actually built like an apartment and has wifi and cable but we can’t stay here much longer, the prices will go up as soon as we closer to the beginning of the season, which is either next month or March. I have a few places in mind but there are waiting lists. I’m praying for one place in particular, it has a playground and it’s in a safe area.  My main goal is to have the kids settled. We want to save money to buy a house so we don’t have to worry about this crap anymore, I want to pay the car off this year so we only have to deal with insurance and annual taxes. Daycare is a bear so I at least have to work from home until we can afford to pay three weeks of daycare up front to make sure we don’t incur late fees after he starts.  He needs it for his socialization skills to grow.  He’s okay now but he needs to be around other kids his age because right now he doesn’t really talk, he can, but he knows grunts and whining will get what he needs, so that’s his prefered method of communication.  I just want him to flourish, he’s smart and funny.  I just want him to have all he needs.

Raleigh is also looking at a job that pays double what he makes now, which would be a blessing. He’s about to pull his hair out waiting on his second interview.  The first interviewer promised him she’d email him on Monday, following the initial interview and that hasn’t happened, so he’s over here stressing.  I can say this, I’m really glad I don’t have to do the single parent thing anymore.

Trying to keep it light and stress free, but you guys know me ;D

Love and Later Days!

 

 

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Figuring it out…

 

As I said before I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I’m a very proactive person.  I don’t believe in sitting life out and letting it happen to me. Living your life like that can cause problems.  But being “proactive” with your life can have it’s downside too.  It can cause you to “jump out of the frying pan, into the fire”, sometimes even when there was never a need to jump in the first place but it can also make for a very amusing life *laughing like the Joker, in Suicide Squad*.

Today, I spent the day doing employment assessments and aptitude tests.  I know what I’m good at, I want to find out what I’m great at… I’m one of those people, if I know what I’m doing, I’m happy with my job.  But if I have to struggle for understanding, I’m not happy, you can see it in my work, and I start looking for other employment options.

Since my father’s stroke in 2007, I have been Temping and doing “work from home” positions, neither pays very well. Since I’m some what stable (because of Raleigh) and we have a new baby at home, I’m looking for stability in my career.  Why now? It’s true what they say, youth is wasted on the young.  Like most young people, I felt like I had time to figure it out.  I had time to go back to school.  I was working a good job, I had money in the bank, a (new) reliable vehicle.  I had planned for everything, except illness.  My dad got sick first, my mother followed 2 weeks later.  They were in two different hospitals that year, little did I know, hospitals and rehab centers would become a huge part of my life for the next ten years.  Basically, raising two kids alone, taking care of both my parents, financially and physically and working full-time doesn’t leave much time to blow your nose and trying to “find yourself” takes a backseat to feeding, clothing and sheltering everyone.  Now 10 years later, I look up and find out I have no clue who I am.

The last time I felt this way was 19 years ago, when I was newly separated from my (ex) husband and filing for divorce. I had no clue who I was, what I liked to do… hell, I didn’t even know what type of movie I liked to watch. Now almost 20 years later, I’m back at the beginning.  I’m finding this to be a theme lately.  I used to think of it as starting over, now, I think of it as stepping back.  You know how if you sit or stand too close to something, you can’t see everything? What do you do to see the full picture? Step back, I have had to step back a few times lately.  It has not only given me clarity, it has stopped me from being a huge ball of stress and worry. Take for example my weight.  Anyone following me for a while know I have been trying to lose weight for years, being a care taker is bad for your waistline and makes for a fat, flabby ass.  I have been trying everything but lately, I’m actually losing weight.  You know why? I’m no longer concerned with pounds.  I celebrate losing every ounce, instead of feeling  frustrated that I’m not at my ideal weight, my goal is to lose 40lbs.  Over the last three weeks, I have lost 15lbs.  Instead setting my sights on a specific date: bathing suit season or my birthday, etc.  I just keep focusing on losing the ounces because they equal pounds.  I had been focusing and stressing over my finances. Raleigh and I found a way to consolidate everything into 3 bills… rent, car note, and auto insurance. We had to step back and move some place that had everything included in the rent.  Not where we wanted to live, but it will give us a chance to get our bills under control and save some money before moving again.

While we’re at this point, I figured this was the perfect, well not perfect but a good time to figure out what to do about my career.  I really haven’t found anything out about myself today through the test that I didn’t already know about myself. I guess I’ll just keep looking at job descriptions, going on the different college websites for ideas and figure something out.  You know the saying, if ye seek, ye shall find.  So seek I shall.

Taking a step back can sometimes be very essential to your progress, don’t look at it as a failure or something to be ashamed of, look at it for what it is, an opportunity to get your shit together.

Love and Later Days

 

Yes! I’m Hormonal damn it…

Fellas, I’m sorry in advance, run while you still can.

Now that they’re gone, Ladies, can we talk? I have been in Hormone Hell for over 2 years.

I was pregnant from the end of 2014 to August 2015, yes I was hormonal.

I began breastfeeding, yes I was hormonal.

I began birth control for the first time in 15 years because before I got preggers with Bubba, I thought (for medical reasons) I couldn’t get pregnant anymore, yes I was hormonal.

I came off of birth control because I couldn’t lose any weight, yes I’m hormonal.

I just got my Auntie Flo back after 2 YEARS.  The first one lasted over a month.  Let me say that again because it bears repeating, ONE MONTH WITH AUNT FUCKING FLO, yes I hormonal.

Give me a break, I cry for no reason.  I get angry at the drop of a hat. Some days I don’t want to get out of bed. My hair has fallen out, all of it. My nails won’t grow.  I have acne like I’m 16. I hurt all of the time because I’m fat as hell. I get confused and forget shit all the time. My mind wanders. I’m irritable. None of my damn clothes fit and most days I look like shit because I’m chasing a toddler, while working from home at the same damn time. Most of this is because of my hormones are out of control.  I have to deal with all of that and still function like a normal and sane person.  It’s damn difficult. I spent about 10 minutes looking for the phone and I was actually holding it walking around the house listening in on a conference call.

Why did I write this post, say it with me folks, BECAUSE YES, I’m hormonal!

RULES FOR GETTING ALONG WITH Kay IN 2017…

I posted this to FB this morning

1). Don’t mess with my kids
2). Talk to me the way you want me to talk to you
3). If you’re mad at me, keep it to yourself, I really give “0” fucks                                              4). Keep your opinions about my life to yourself.
5). If I say something to you that you don’t like, say something. I don’t read minds, so speak up, and as far as me trying to figure out why you’re mad, refer to #3.
6). Don’t mess with my money.
7). Stop calling my son, my Grandson, you know damn well he’s not and you will get your feelings hurt.
8). You’re only allowed to say 3 stupid things to me this year, use them wisely.
9). Remember I’m Queen Petty
Lastly,
10). Yes, you do have freedom of speech but remember so do I, choose your words wisely.

and a bonus, *If you’re “cleaning out” your friends list and decide you want to ‘Block/Unfriend/Unfollow” me, you don’t have to tell me because I won’t tell you if I’m going to “Block/Unfriend/Unfollow” you and then refer to #3.

ok, talk amongst yourselves. #HappyNewYear 😀

Now let me be very clear, I will often refer to myself as Queen Petty.  That’s because I have often been called petty or Petty Betty because I won’t take mess off of some folks or because, well I do have a tendency to be a teensy, weensy bit (barely noticeable amount) petty at times.  I’m the baby child and the youngest child of the youngest child in my dad’s family (whom I grew up around, so I’m the same age as my 1st cousin’s kids) so it comes with the territory, lol. I wrote that list and posted it to make it clear… this is #NoNONSENSE2017