For Evie…

I remember the worst day of my life (at least I thought it was at the time).

I was about 26 years old, maybe older and I had been out with a few friends celebrating God knows what because let’s face it, at 26 years old EVERYTHING is a reason to celebrate and you ARE always celebrating something.  I had recently broken up with a guy, that I thought would become my second husband (I had been divorced about three years at that point) and that I would love forever.  We broke up because he was an alcoholic but back then I didn’t know it as that because I come from a family of drinkers, well drunks really, who drank whenever they felt like it.  If we were to have a family crest it would be a pink elephant with bubbles coming out of his mouth holding a beer in one hand and a low ball full of whiskey in the other.  Both glasses would be full and spilling over the top with the mantra of “it’s five o’clock somewhere” inscribed on it. But I digress.

Being with him you never knew who you were getting, fun-loving Bus Boy (he was mentioned in previous blogs that has since been deleted) or angry, tantrum throwing Bus Boy.  After the latter showed his face one time too many and resulted in me sending him to the hospital (defending myself – funny that cured him of wanting to play “drunk tag” with his fist), I knew this man couldn’t be in my life any longer or could EVER be step-father to my kids (I didn’t grow up in an abusive household, I’ll damned if I submit my daughters to it).

Even though we had been through A LOT, I still “Loved” this man.  It felt like I couldn’t breathe without him, be me without him or be happy without him. 

I told him if he ever got his life together, we could try again but right now, at this stage in his life he wasn’t ready for a relationship.  At least not with me…  So that night, after not hearing from him for months, I was on cloud nine when I saw his number flash across Caller ID.  When I answered, I knew at once something was wrong by the tone of his voice.  It almost frightened me, he didn’t sound like himself.  I immediately stopped undressing and remember pressing my ear hard to the phone.  He was crying, although he had “drunk dialed” me before and cried his eyes out about wanting to get back together, this call was somehow… different.  He was babbling how sorry he was and how he wanted me to know he didn’t do it on purpose.  I kept asking him “what, what didn’t you do on purpose?” Then he said he didn’t love her.  “Love her, love who?” I didn’t even realize I had stopped breathing until my lungs began screaming for air.  That’s when he told me.  He had gotten another woman pregnant.  All at once, I started thinking about the baby I had lost because I was too stressed out with his nonsense.  He had given “our” baby to someone else, sounds crazy but that’s how I felt.  That was something I could never forgive, that was a deal breaker and he knew it.  He knew before he called that’s why he was crying because any possible chance he ever had of being with me died the moment that home pregnancy test turned from minus to positive.  I don’t remember what I said, something like “Oh, good for you… have a nice life.” and I cradled the phone.  I remember thinking it must be hot out because I am sweating so bad, when I realized I was crying.  I cried for a day or two.  I mourned my relationship for months, even though it had been over for a while and I “shouldn’t care” anymore.  As ppl found out, the nice ones asked how I took the news, the nasty ones ran up to me when they saw me to ask had I heard and watch with glee in their eyes to see if I was crushed.  I didn’t want to hear his fucking name and it felt like EVERYONE was saying it.  I was seeing his name on tv shows as a Director or it was an actor’s character’s name.  I would just smile and say yes, “he called, isn’t it great” or told a joke about how old he was, when inside (I’m not proud of it) I wished her baby to have the same fate as mine had.

Over the months that followed I felt better and I prayed to God every night to ask him to forgive me and to not take this unknown woman’s child away from her (I didn’t know back then that God wasn’t like a genie granting wishes).  I got over him a little more everyday.  Since then I have met many, many men.  Some were great, most were idiots and then one day I met TV Guy, and it felt like I had never been “In Love” before the day he walked into my life.  He turned out to be a tool too, lol.  But the point is, the pain goes away, someone else comes into your life that out shadows every other man you have every met.  It may work out and it may not, either way God has a plan.  HE knows where you are and where you are trying to get to.  People are put in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.  The ones you want in your life for a “lifetime” may turn out to be the ones put in your life for a “reason” to prepare you for the lifetime folks.

Wish him well, pray his strength, forgive his weaknesses and let him go because you can not receive someone else in your life while holding onto him.

Later Days,

-K

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4 thoughts on “For Evie…

  1. Oh Kay…I cried through this. I know this pain so well, and I hate to think of anyone else feeling it. And I know you are still in pain…just over someone else now. I hate, so much, that as humans we can hurt each other like this.

    I know you wrote it to encourage me and to sympathize with my current situation…and it did both of those things. Thank you so much for caring about me. I’m basically a stranger to you…but you still care.

    I appreciate it so much. 🙂

    1. It’s funny, that seems like such a lifetime ago but it came back so vividly. It felt good to recall the memory with no pain. One day that blessing will be yours too.

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