Just thinking…

I was wondering why I have stayed in stagnant or bad relationships in the past recently. I did come up with a few reasons and they were basically, in a word, fucked up reasons. Okay well a few words. It’s not like I came from a bad home or any other fucked up statistics ppl come up with when they do harm to themselves or others. I lived in a loving home with two parents that adore each other, so why? Why put myself through the anguish. The chaos of a few bad relationship?

I remember one relationship that I had finally gotten into a relationship with a well rounded and well read guy. He had a great job and loved to take me out. He gave me the keys to his house and car, paid daycare for my youngest daughter. It was great. That is if you don’t include the fact that he was extremely jealous and a belligerent drunk. I had gotten him to lighten up and damn near stop drinking but we turned a violent corner at that point and things never were the same. Did I mention he was a whore before we got together? The other thing was he always tried to make ms jealous (which btw is a recurring theme in my relationships). The thing I remember thinking the most during that time was I didn’t want to give up on this relationship after I put in all this work for some other woman to reap the rewards. Fucked up right. That’s when I realized that no matter the location I meet a guy or venue, until I fix me, I will always meet that fucked up guy with self-confidence issues. I have to learn that they are his issues not mine and that I can’t fix no one. Trying. To fix a person is like trying to fix a lemon (a car that is only put together by duct tape and chewing gum and breaks down every couple of weeks). Everytime u fix one thing something else breaks. Sometimes u have to junk the car and get a brand new one.

Like I said, just thinking.

Love and later days,



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