Monthly Archives: December 2012

A New Year, Thank God…

This has been the worst year of my life. Seriously, not being dramatic here, let’s do a 2012 recap shall we? Started taking my RN classes, started failing math. Began planning my move for June, my mother has stroke number five in March. Not knowing how that was going to work out, I cancelled the move. Didn’t stop going to school because my mom would kill me,  if when she recovered, she found out I quit school for her.  I ran myself crazy until she was released from rehab in August. Late September my oldest daughter ran away from home for a week, my dad died in October… they didn’t tell me until 3 days later (they knew if I didn’t visit any other day I would show up on Thursday, they told me Wednesday morning). After which I would spend the next month and a half running back and forth to the ER because my mother is having seizures every other day. I felt like I was losing my mind, not knowing that I was going through the grieving process (I still am).  I ran around (more liked called/texted around) cursing out ppl for random reasons. I spent most nights, after everyone went to sleep in a bottle of booze, didn’t care what I drank as long as I had a buzz and didn’t want to think/feel/deal.

After my mom’s last stroke my life became stunted because she had limited abilities, she could no longer talk or understand what was being said unless u used simple sentences. She got frustrated a lot and cried often, she’s doing a little better now, she can move her weak side a little. Now I have absolutely no money because I can’t probate my dad’s estate without getting guardianship of my mother. Which I have been trying to do for months.  The funeral parlor doesn’t have his death certificate yet, it’s been over 2 months.  I barely have time to wash my ass, so cleaning my house is almost always out of the question. 

What does the New Year hold for me and my family? Guardianship granted, my dad’s finances finally in order and a move to Myrtle Beach. With the move I get the help I need for my mom and hopefully she will continue to get better and make some new friends.  Me and the girls will be in a better living environment and I can finally go back to work and school (never thought I would miss work).  I have been feeling isolated, I know my mom is probably feeling it more than I am.

Hoping and Praying for a better New Year for me, my family and all of you. Hell after 2012, anything would be better, lol.

Love and Later Days,

-K

Quiet!!!

I grew up in a house that was always busy even though it was only four ppl, later five with the addition of my adopted brother, who I recently dated (blog for another day). My parents always had ppl around them.  People were always at our house. My parents always had alcohol in the house, until I was 14, my sister was 17 and my brother (ex boyfriend – not really but can’t think of another title for him) had moved out of the house, my mom cooked breakfast/lunch/dinner everyday and they loved to entertain, even though they owned their own business and worked everyday, there was someone always in the house. ALWAYS. That is why once I got my own house I rarely had company.  I had occasional dinner parties and later had stripper shows (to earn extra money) but I pretty much kept from having ppl in my house because I like quiet.

When my mother moved in with me her friends followed. One likes to visit EVERY Saturday.  The other just pops up and both those broads are loud. My neighbor has taken a liking to me and she is loud as shit and loves drama. Since she has lived next door I can not think of one day that she wasn’t over there cussing and fussing. She loves the drama that circles her life. The day I found out my father passed away, she came over and was talking about her ex which caused my daughter, who was close to my dad, to go ape shit.  She is a selfish and opportunistic person. Before I was very willing to help her out because she has a disability. Now I have been removing myself from her. Mainly because she has taken to coming over my house every damn day. If my kids tell her I’m sleep. She walks past them and wakes me up. If I am on the phone when she comes over she starts talking as if I’m not. She is just too extra.  I’m looking forward to my move just to get some got damn quiet and peace. 3 months can’t fly by fast enough.

Love and Later Days,

-K

The road to hell is paved with good intentions…

No truer statement has ever been made.  I try not to intentionally hurt anyone’s feelings. I have teeth mark scars on my tongue that will be on there forever because I bite my tongue constantly to prevent me from saying the wrong thing. Not the bullshit wrong thing, I mean the shit you say about people that irk u only to your special gossip person. I know I say some things that maybe I should keep to myself but not the things I should really keep to myself or shouldn’t be saying at all.  Things like “his penis is so small he should get a disability check”, “did u see how ugly that kid was? She know she better pray that kid is smart.” or “does she only own fun house mirrors in her house?” You know the mean girl shit.  That’s why I blog, lol.

Here lately my filter has been acting up. Malfunctioning, if u will. Well not actually malfunctioning per se more like, I haven’t been turning it on… at all. Normally, when I’ve had a little too much to drink, I turn it down but it has never been off like this before because as I stated earlier in this blog it is never my intention to hurt someone’s feelings. However, I must tell you it has felt good to say fuck off. It has felt good to tell someone I wish his penis was as big as his ego, hell as big as his index finger and I like the way it feels to say no, repeatedly.  No I don’t have any cigarettes, no I don’t have any alcohol so you can have a drink, no I won’t watch your kid/grand kid. Just no, no, no, NO. And it feels great! This selfish shit is awesome. I’m loving it. For one thing u have more free time.  I have fulfilled all of my 2012 obligations, everything I promised I would help with this year I have done. Now with 2013 approaching I have no intention of creating new obligations… making new promises because although I said I would help these folks, although I made these promises, all of this happened before my life started going to shit.  The people I made the promises to never thought to ask someone else and I don’t break promises or do work half-ass. So I kept my word, finished a couple of projects, wrote a couple letter’s to a couple of judges on folks behalf and now. I’m done. I hope everyone got what they needed from me, I hope I have helped more than I hurt and I hope that people appreciated my sacrifices and if they didn’t, well, FUCK em.

Told you my filter was off :/

Love and Later Days,

-K

I’m writing again…

Those of you who are old time readers who have been falling down the rabbit hole with me, know I have been writing for years and trying to get up the nerve to get published. Well u will be happy to know I’m writing again and I found my original manuscript that was supposed to be published a couple of years ago (and I stupidly) forgot to back up. I have spent my mom’s naptimes to write and now I think at night (since I’m not sleeping) I will start to put the old manuscript on the new(ish) laptop and back it up on a flash drive. 

The other thing is I will be signing up for Fall semester classes to finish my RN courses at Horry – Georgetown. I have to finish things that I have started. Close all of my doors to open new ones. I’m excited to see what new doors will open when all of the old ones are closed. I can finish the manuscripts and see if they get published. If they aren’t good enough to be published, fine I know they aren’t good enough and I can move forward. Close that door to make room for something else but I won’t have to wonder about whether they were good enough anymore.  The courses, I can stop wondering if I have what it takes to get my RN. If I fail courses, I’ll know… I’ll know that an LVN is my future, I may not be happy with these discoveries but at least I will know.

Love and Later Days,

-K

That’s what they’re not getting…

People are under the assumption that my move to Myrtle Beach, SC is me snatching up my family and running away from Philly and any problems I may have here… not so.  I’m actually running toward something.  A better future for my children, more freedom for me, a slower pace, less (street) drugs, more quiet.  The latter being the most important. Anyone who lives or have lived for an extended period of time in a Metro/Urban/City setting knows there isn’t any quiet. (I used all terms because frankly I don’t know which one is being used at the moment). There is constantly the sound of police, fire or EMS sirens. The sound of cars, trolleys, trains or buses. The sound of horns honking, neighbors arguing, having fun or having sex (it’s like living in a transient motel), people speaking loudly on their mobiles while walking down the street. Just noise 24/7.

The schools have more extra curriculum activities. Your kids can play outside with no real threat of shootings. Twice last year someone ran through my youngest daughter’s elementary school with a weapon, it is so common they have a code for it (red) and have drills for it (the teacher is to cover the windows to the hall and turn out the lights).

My mom will be around Seniors her own age and get to socialize (because it’s not safe in this area, I don’t take her outside because I can’t get her back inside safely and quickly enough).

And with my mom living alone I get to spend more time with my daughters.  The change is good for all of us.  This move has been almost 5 years in the making, although it isn’t the way I wanted (my dad with us) it’s still going to happen. Everyday I get a little more excited and a little sadder, not because I am leaving the city I loved for so long (before it completely went to hell) but because we aren’t in SC yet.

Love and later days,

-K

Why don’t women speak up for themselves other than when being a bitch???

Okay so this post was supposed to be about something else. Instead after reading a couple of the blogs I follow, I decided this blog needed to be out there in cyber space.  I blogged recently about guys not pursuing women anymore and other wonderful women who follow me (is that what u call it when you’re not actually twittering a tweet?) Anywhosal… They all are saying the same shit. Women as far away as the UK are feeling the pain. I reassured my readers that it’s not us, it has to be them… My fine male readers, I have to admit 😦 (sadly) I was wrong. I stand corrected. It is our fault. Not all of it is our fault but a lot of it is. 

The pattern I am seeing (which I am guilty of as well) is if we like a guy we let him do or say whatever he wants just to keep him around. The guys that we really don’t care for all that much get’s bitched out if we sneeze and he doesn’t say “Bless u”.  We turn into high school girls all over again if we’re into a guy or if he is (let’s be honest we’re all adults here) good in bed. You ever notice that if you’re really into a guy, he’s not that interested in you? You wanna know why? The old biddies had it right. We don’t make them wait anymore for anything. We don’t make guys we like wait to gain our trust. They don’t have to wait to find out where we live, to get a home cooked meal. To get in our pants, to get our special bedroom tricks ;).  We don’t make them wait anymore for anything, they take us for granted and we piss and moan to everyone but them until we can’t take it anymore, then and only then do we hold their “hands to the fire”. Then we turn into a screaming, window breaking, tire slashing crazy woman.  To avoid all of this all we have to do is say no, make him work for our affection, make him earn our damn trust and respect. That’s all it takes to keep you from dressing in black sweat pants and a hoodie, kneeling in the dark pouring a 5lb bag of sugar into his gas tank. Smh.

When he says to you, hey it’s Friday night, I’m not busy. Would u like to hang out. You tell his lazy ass no. If I have to get dressed and do my hair and make up, he needs to take my ass out somewhere. Why spend an hour on hair and make up to go sit on his couch or worst yet sit on yours watching a movie and eating gross takeout or even worst yet, cooking for his lazy ass. And I bet his cheap ass won’t even offer to by the food he wants you to cook. 

Stand up with me ladies, stop letting them take advantage of you. He wants you to do something like meet his ex or after you break up, meet his next just to make them feel more comfortable about their own relationship with them, tell him to go fuck himself.

When you walk up to a door and he doesn’t open it, screw being embarrassed, stand there until he opens the damn door. He’ll ask why you’re standing there, tell him.

Speak up for yourself, he can’t respect you if you don’t respect yourself. Stop expecting him to be a damn mind reader. That stacks the deck against you and him.  You’re setting him up to fail and yourself up for disappointment.  If he doesn’t respect you, fuck him, move on. Don’t stick around and let him treat u like dirt just to have anyone in your life.  Remember he can’t treat u like a door mat unless you lay down and write WELCOME on your back. 

Stop playing games. I know u heard about that stupid ass book. Don’t buy into the hype. Act like a woman, think like a man… That’s bullshit. You’re a chick be one. How are you listening to a man who was divorced at least 3 times and I think all were because he couldn’t keep it in his pants.  How about you act like a lady and think like a woman. You want to call him call him, it doesn’t matter if you just met him on an elevator. Fuck the bullshit. Screw the dumb “if he doesn’t call and make plans by Wednesday don’t go out” crap. If he calls Friday and asks you to go out and you’re free and want to see him, go. Life is too short for all those games. If you want to sleep with him on the first date go ahead but please don’t do it just because you think it might “keep him interested”, it won’t. To them it doesn’t matter. If they like you today, they will like you tmrw.  I personally have a “get to know you before I screw u” policy.  You never know someone’s crazy until they show you they’re crazy. That policy has been good for weeding out most of the cray crays.

Bottom line, stop with the rules. We put them in place only to change them on a whim anyway. Confuse a guy too much and he just decides your not worth the trouble. Go with the flow, do what feels right for you.  You wanna be happy, stop worrying about appearance (looks fade) and stop trying to make the guys stick to a specific pattern (he has to be cute, funny, sensitive, love my family, want kids, yada-yada-yada). Truly enjoy dating. Have a ball doing it.  But stop complaining about what’s wrong with them, first we need to fix ourselves and stop being so fucking picky.

Love and Later Days,

-K

Whole lotta shaking going on…

Well I have gotten back into the swing of things.  I finally contacted Eagle Crest. I contacted them to get information on Home Health Aids and Medical suppliers for my mom’s hospital bed. I had him mail me the info for the VA. It takes the VA time to get paperwork in order. I want them now, that way if they are asking for documentation that I need to get, I’ll know before we move.  Oh did I mention I have a tentative move date of March 1st. 

I have to pick up the girls school records, I don’t want to wait until the last minute to get everything together. To be honest, I like keeping busy. I started cleaning out my closet today.  Damn I have a lot of crap that needs to be thrown out.

I talked to the realtor today, she’s confident that she can find what I’m looking for… Three bedroom, two bath in a good price range.  I’m getting excited again. Since I can do nothing but wait for the court’s guardianship decision I figured I would throw myself back into the move.  It’s working. I am sleeping at night again.  I feel like cooking again. I’m starting to feel like myself.

Love and Later Days,

-K

PSA for dating Kay…

With my move looming on the horizon. I figure I would use this platform to send out a Public Service Announcement for the men of Myrtle Beach and surrounding areas to keep the men from getting their feelings hurt.  I have recently discovered that I have a few male readers from the SC area.  I figure they could spread the word.

My exboyfriend (Big Guy) and I have been in talks, sounds like a United Nations summit, during these talks I have found out he got married earlier this year and said marriage isn’t working out and he wants to reconnect. He’s a good guy and all but I’m nobody’s mistress. Regardless of the fact that they aren’t living together. I have told him for the immediate future we aren’t going to pursue a relationship until after his divorce is finalized. In the interim, I am not putting my life on hold while he straightens his life and affairs out. So I will be dating. Not sitting on my hands or waiting around my apartment for “things to work out”.

Now that u have the back story… on with my PSA. For shits and giggles I have turned it into a poem, enjoy.

When getting ready for a first date
please remember not to be late

If you don’t want to spend the evening alone. Remember to shit, shower, shave and don’t use too much cologne.

Make sure before seeing me, to get your hair cut. And remember to keep your hands to yourself and not to stare obviously at my boobs and my butt.

Other women in the room please act as if you don’t see. Pretend when we are together, the only woman in the room is me.

On a first date I don’t discuss politics, religion or sex. And please don’t spend too much time bashing your baby mom or babbling about your ex.

If you remember all of this, show me respect and be a gentleman in all that you do, we will more than likely schedule date number two.

Hope I gave you a laugh.

Love and later days,

-K

I have been using FB as a weapon…

I have heard of the “Seven stages of grief” but I didn’t much believe in them until my dad passed. I have been feeling them all just out of order. Sometimes all at once.

On the days that the anger creeps in, watch out and if I have internet access, WORLD watch out.  I put up a few statuses that were highly inappropriate, mean and petty geared toward my family. Knowing it would piss them off because I have been feeling hurt by them since all of this happened. At the time I posted them, they made me feel better but in the light of day, I felt petty and felt like I had stoop to their level. I ended up being madder at myself than at them.

Because of the way I have been behaving I have chosen to stay away from FB and to just get my affairs in order to leave Philly and put all of this behind me. My grief will go with me but I will deal with it better down there with day to day adjustment tasks to do.

I have also started meditating again. It helps me focus and it helps me feel closer to God, who I have been feeling distant from for a while now. I gotta get my shit together before I unravel altogether. Mostly because I have too much idle time on my hands. I’ll fix that, I process my feelings better when my hands are busy.

I will do my best to get through this in a way that shows respect for my mother and father. I just really wish assholes would stay away and use the their teeth as a cage for their tongues (in other words guard their tongues, lol). That’s not going to happen I know so I am going to just “woo sah” and try to get it together.

Love and later days,

-K

I always wondered…

What it would feel like proceeding the move to Myrtle Beach. I don’t have to wonder anymore. I still don’t have an exact move date. But this isn’t like before. I knew I had a battle ahead with my father’s guardian. Now that he is deceased, I don’t have that battle ahead anymore.

Before while planning this move, I felt like most ppl do when they’re pondering what color to paint a room they never really use. You know u will paint it eventually but it’s not at the front of your mind. Something u have to do but eh, you’ll get it done.  Before it was something I hoped would eventually come to pass.

Now, I’m a ball of anxious.  I feel like I always do before a move. Times ten!  I wrote my exit strategy yesterday afternoon before I tried to cut off the tip of my thumb (blog for another day, smfh). The list right now has about 50+ things on it I still need to do.  Did I mention I have begun planning my house warming party for the apartment I have yet to find or furnish, lol (don’t look like that, I’m not crazy).

Those of you that are new readers don’t know but I am an anal planner. I plan Every detail of my life and then… I make a backup plan, then a backup for the back up plan.  I only make plans when I’m getting ready to make moves and boy am I getting ready to make some life altering plans.  Changes are about to happen big time. I know who I am keeping in my life and who has to go. They’re gone and just don’t know it yet.

It feels like a weight was lifted with every line I wrote on my list. I’m also practicing saying no and meaning it.  I am a great friend, a wonderful woman and unfortunately I have too much empathy.  I try to help others as long as it doesn’t/didn’t take from my kids or my parents. Even if sometimes it took away from me. Since my dad died (still getting used to saying that) I have felt an even bigger need to protect my dad’s girls now more than ever, which also means taking care of me.

Long time readers know I am always seeking me.  Always trying to figure me out. Long time readers know since I was 17, I have been taking care of everyone but me…and that lately, I have begun looking out for me too and making moves in my life not just for the betterment of my family but now for me as well.  I am becoming happier with every new selfish whim. There has been things I have done in 2012 I would never have done before unless my family benefited from it as well but now with every new invitation my oldest receives from colleges and the more I have to tell my youngest daughter to get off the phone, the more selfish decisions I make. When I say, selfish I just mean they don’t have any effect on my family one way or the other and man, it feels good.

Love and later days,

-K