Monthly Archives: January 2013

Please stop calling…

I hate when ppl call me on the phone and don’t have shit to say.  Why call if you’re just going to breathe heavy into the phone? Why ask me to call if you have nothing to say? I don’t get it. Probably because I’m not a phone person. I use the phone to check in on ppl. See how they’re doing, make plans, catch up. Call me crazy but I prefer face time.

NY has been calling like crazy since New Years. He texted a couple of times since I stopped dealing with him on Thanksgiving. You know, when I decided to risk everything and see where it would lead after he told me how he felt about me during summer. I wondered how long it would last and how it would end (I have a tendency to do that) whether it would end in a big argument or just fizzle out. Well now I know.  Even if I hadn’t ended it on Thanksgiving, it definitely would have fizzled out by now.

When he calls the line is pretty much open. I have started just hanging up after a few minutes. Maybe if we lived closer, or the sex had been better (at the time it was great because it had been a while), maybe if he actually listened to what I was saying or if he was here when I needed him, things might’ve been different. It’s ashamed because we were good together as friends.  He listened, he advised. I did the same, we made each other laugh. Was it crazy to think that if we added sex to it our relationship would only get better?

As friends I was content just having a phone relationship, why wouldn’t I be? We talked every morning. He was here for me in a way no man had been. Little did I know it was just to get in my pants, at least that’s how it felt. Now looking back I think he might have been just comfortable with our relationship. That probably would have been fine for a while if I weren’t losing my mind with grief and needed him to physically be here for me. He was in Philly a few times but never came to visit me. He visited his daughter (a given) and his Aunt but never me. It was just crazy. It felt too much like my relationship with TV guy.

TV guy would be in my house but yet was still not here. He would come here after work and play PS3, play chess on his laptop or he would download movies all day, which btw he never actually watched.  I had to schedule dinners out with him, which was met with, “not this week, next week. I’m too tired” or my favorite, “sure” and we just never went.  After thinking about it and tolerating it for way too long I finally ended it. My youngest was getting older and all I could think was after she graduated and moved out I would be stuck with him and I would be bored out of mind so bad we would have our story on the ID channel. So, I ended it.

I don’t want to feel like I’m watching and waiting for water to boil.  In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not all that exciting but damn, should I have to hold a mirror up to our relationship every few hours to see if it’s breathing? The only time I think a guy wants to be bothered is when I don’t.  Last weekend NY just showed up here in Philly and wanted to see me.  Are you kidding me? Where were you a few months ago? Where was the “surprise” visit then? Back when I needed it? I’m over it, he seemed upset that I declined the visit and never even bother to call him. I only spoke to him via text.  He thinks I’m being petty and trying to get back at him. I’m not, I just don’t care anymore. How do I turn my feelings off like that? I didn’t. I always loved him, always will. Just not like that… When I decided to see what would happen, it was out of lust, loneliness and later, loss. I had sex with him, now the lust is gone. Loneliness comes and goes but it’s magnified by lust and/or loss.  Now that the lust is gone. I got to see more clearly, that I love him, just not in that way and that’s not enough. Not for me, maybe it is for him or maybe he really does love me the other way but does that matter if it isn’t mutual? Why waste the time? He still won’t change the way does things. Which were the things making me unhappy. When things are happening with him he loves the support I give but I can’t get even the support I would get from a training bra.  The main thing is I refuse to settle and being with him would be just that, settling.  Didn’t mean to go on for so long.

Love and Later Days,

-K

Six weeks to go and still no damn death certificates…

Somebody dropped the ball at the funeral home and they’re more interested in covering their asses than they are about resolving the issue. 

I have been a desk jockey long enough, over the years, to know things get filed incorrectly, forgotten about under piles of paperwork or too many deadlines and even accidentally thrown away.When this happens everyone plays “duck and cover”.  A few weeks ago, I would have been pist but now, almost 3 months since my father’s passing, I’m out for blood. I am going to report them to their equivalent of the BBB (I think it’s called the Funeral Association, I need to do more digging to be sure if that’s the correct name). 

I tried reasoning with them, explaining it’s not just about the fact that I can’t file for his benefits or probate his estate… It’s more about my family not being able to get closure, grieve and move on because of this unfinished business looming, like a dark cloud, over my family’s and my head.  I’m begging and pleading with them to fix this almost daily. I’m reliving my father’s death everyday because of this and at the same time worrying about being evicted because I have no money. I have to worry about something else getting shut off. I have to borrow money to get my mother’s medication and the longer it takes to get his death certificates the longer it will take to receive my mother’s benefits and until this is settled we can’t truly grieve and begin to heal. This is ludicrous and they are heartless for putting my family through this, smfh.

I’m angry as hell. I’m trying to keep my temper in check because once I blow up and start cursing people out, they will more than likely slow down even more but at this point what do I do? What moves do O make? Who do I speak to to get this resolved. Meanwhile, it looks like (from the outside looking in) I dropped the ball or that I’m not following through.

Today my aunt and I were talking.  She asked, I’d there wasn’t a death certificate, how was he crema

I hate the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania…

This place sucks ass. The reason this city is so jacked up is because it is a state that doesn’t make any one of their citizens accountable. The fathers’s can be dead beats because the damn domestic relations department allows them to skip the responsibility of paying child support and they don’t enforce custody (does any state). I can’t get assistance for my mom from PCA because she makes too much (which btw we aren’t receiving because I can’t probate my father’s estate). I can’t get help from the state in retrieving my father’s death certificates. When you call the ppl who are supposed to help you, they know diddlie shit. I hate this place and I will be glad to get the hell out of here.

Love and later days,

-K

Two sides to the same coin…

The coin in which I speak is me. One side is shiny and pretty. The other a little rusty, has dents and dings in it. It seems, upon close inspection, that as of the last few years I have only really been displaying the rusty side of me. 

Here’s the thing, although the rusty side is still me it’s just as beautiful as the other side but it’s covered in muck.  I’ve been presenting the muck side when I date because, believe it or not, most ppl are more comfortable with the mucked up side.  Why? Idk but they are and I have been more comfortable presenting it. I wish I weren’t but I am.  But if I want to be more of the girlfriend type and less of the girl who’s a friend type, I have to start acting accordingly.

Anyway, back to the mucky side is… that side has been betrayed, cheated on, drinks and smokes too much when stressed. It’s the side that can operate (not live but operate) on two or three hours of sleep. It’s the side that drunk dials/texts ppl. It can be a bit insecure as well. It’s mean and cranky. It also likes football and basketball. It’s the side that scratches and tells dirty jokes. It’s the side that needs only to come out after you really to know me, that way you were less likely to run away screaming. For years I was called a guy with boobs.

Now there is the other side, the clean cut side. I like to refer to this side as the black Barbie. She crosses her legs (hell she shaves her legs), she likes to wear makeup, she likes to smile and laugh. She likes wearing 4.5″ heels and putting on makeup. She likes a good movie or book, jazz and a nice cold glass of wine. She likes to flirt and be flirted with.  She likes perfume and to wear vanilla lotion. This side likes Mani/Pedis. She likes to be girlie and lady-like.

I like to show that side of the coin better. I like the rusty side as well but I think the reason I’ve had trouble dating lately (besides the fact that my movements are limited because of caring for my mother) is because even though the mucky side has almost always been presented, I was younger. We now live in the sarcastic, post Seinfeld era. In the 90s and early part of of the new millennium, sarcasm and direct women were one in a million. You barely met a woman who spoke her mind and knew herself sexually. Now that breed is a dime a dozen. Most of us hide our feminine side because to many of us (me included) view it as a weakness. We are more, for lack of a better term, man-ish. We only turn on our feminine side when we get to know a guy better.  Most guys are tired of the angry, sarcastic, sexually aggressive female. If we are taking on the more aggressive role in the relationship, what part are they left to play?

Everyone is trying to become a new person in 2013. I think I might actually go looking for the old one. I was happier before, I want to get back to that person.  The one who wasn’t jaded by bad relationships.

Love and Later Days,

-K

Deleting old profiles…

I have a profile on Match.com and Okcupid.com (I lied a little on okcupid and said I already live in Myrtle Beach because I thought I would be there by now). Anywhosal, I have decided to take them both down for the time being.  I’ll put them both up again after the move.  Well, maybe… Idk if I want to go back to OKCupid, there isn’t too much variety.  In the meantime, I will be drafting my new profile. I also need to check out this bar I heard about online. This place supposedly has two sister bars and you can become a member. After you pay a small fee, there isn’t (supposed to be) any cover charge and your VIP service is included in all three bars. Sounds promising but I worked in Sports and Entertainment, most of the time when there are promotions and memberships involved, it’s usually because an item or product isn’t moving well and they use memberships and promotions as a way of making you feel special and like you’re missing something, boost sales and make whatever product or event seem more “top shelf” than it actually is… So they could be doing the membership thing to get more folks in their bars/clubs not just because they would value me as a customer.  A few trips should tell me all I need to know. If everything checks out, it’ll be a great way to meet new folks, primarily open up my dating pool.

Myrtle Beach, like Philly, is a tourist spot because of this during the Summer months I will probably go out more because of the ppl who come from all over the US to golf and the guys who come down for bike week. That’ll open up the dating pool some. Not looking to meet Prince Charming anytime soon, just be around men again, hell adults again and not discuss medicine or what my kids are up to, no boy crazy stuff or anything about anime.

I am closing in on my 6 week mark and trying to pray more and worry less. I go to bed at night trying to just focus on one thing at a time, so far so good. I haven’t had a need to have alcohol induced sleep in a week.  When I get anxious like this I could go days without sleep unless I have a couple of shots first.  I remember one move a few years back had me so anxious I was afraid I might need to go to AA after I returned the Uhaul truck, Smh.  That’s all for now.

Love and Later Days,

-K

What do I want? I’ll tell you what I want…

I figured I would share with you what I want in a man, since this is supposed to be a dating blog and all I have been doing for the past fifty couple of months is whine about my shitty little life, I figure I would go back to basics. So here goes…

I want a guy who can be silly sometimes but not make everything a joke.

Loves to smile. A good smile wins out over great looks any day. Add a great laugh and you had me at hello, lol.

Loves movies. Although I’m not a big fan of television, I love a good action, drama, horror or Period piece, especially if it is something historical.

Loves to talk, I can’t stand to have a one sided conversation. If I’m talking a blue streak and all he can say is yes, no or grunt, there will be no second date.  Here’s the catch, just don’t talk about random shit or random ppl I don’t know either, actually have something to say.

He doesn’t get mad when I’m busy because although my mother won’t be living with me anymore, I still have daughters I’m raising. I also want to have a life and friends. He has to understand I like my space as much as I like spending time with him. I always need a little Kay time because I’ve had so little over the last 19 years.

Maturity.  I can’t stress that one enough. I have enough arguing, tantrums, door slamming, yelling and silent treatments that I have to referee at home between my two daughters, I don’t want to deal with any of that crap with my partner.

Communication has to be key. Kind of an addendum to the maturity clause… I don’t like to argue but don’t get it twisted… my mom didn’t raise a bully but she didn’t raise a bitch either. I can give as well as I can take, however I have “been there, done that” as far as argumentative and volatile relationships.  I want to laugh more than cry.

Supportive and encouraging. I think that is why I have really had  difficulty with dealing last year. I needed someone in my life who was strong when I was weak. To hold me, tell me everything is going to be okay and I believe it.

Responsible and accountable. I’m so sick of irresponsible men who aren’t accountable for their actions. To me that lives in the heart of every adult. Life is about choices, I tell my girls this everyday. Not all of the decisions we make are the correct ones but it’s not the bad choices that define us, it is what we do after a bad choice is made.

Someone who has a good balance of introvert and extrovert. I love a good party, loud music and meeting new ppl as much as soft Jazz music, a good book and a nice glass of wine.  I need a man who is comfortable around strangers and doesn’t want to just “make an “appearance” but also likes to curl up on the couch with me and watch a good movie.

A man who is secure in both his manhood and our relationship. I’m not big on PDA (public displays of affection). I think that when a couple is secure in their relationship and trust one another, other ppl know they’re a couple just in how they interact and treat each other. I don’t think someone has to spend the whole night holding my hand, smacking me on my ass, his hand on the small of my back or around my waist, with his tongue down my throat to prove we are a couple. He doesn’t have to call me or want me to “check in” to feel secure.

He has to be a gentleman, PERIOD. Hold my chair and the door, light my cigarette, help me with my coat.

Take care of me when I’m sick. That’s the easiest one. Bring me soup (hot and in a damn bowl, don’t just roll the can into my room). Bring me some gingerale, juice, Kleenex and make sure I have the remote. After that leave me alone unless I ask for something.

Romance and no routine.  I want flowers sometimes for no reason. A call to say I love you (if we are at that point in our relationship) or just to see how my day went, not everyday because that’s not special, that’s just a habit. As far as the routine part… I don’t want every Sunday to be date night or Friday night to be sex night. I don’t want to know where we are going until we actually make plans. Bored ppl cheat. I have enough routine raising my kids, caring for my mother, going to school and working.

Fidelity, loyalty and respect. You don’t want to sleep with me or be in a relationship anymore, just say so, respect me enough to move on rather than cheat. I’d rather you hurt me with the truth, than kill me with a lie.

Be yourself, not who you think I want… I have been with men who faked knowledge or interest in certain things to get close to me and “know it alls” know everything but the fact that “know it alls” annoy the shit out of me.

Keep the drama. If I want drama in my life I will turn on the CW and watch Vampire Diaries or Arrow.  One of the reasons I hate Chick Flicks is because the story is the same and it fucks up women’s views on relationships. Boy meets girl, boy and girl go through conflict. Boy or girl realizes they were wrong or an idiot, they get back together. The relationship is stronger and better because of said conflict, they live happily ever after. The End. So now you have a bunch of women watching this shit, they feel they’re relationship is terrible because there is no drama, they believe that for their relationship to progress pass this point, they have to go home start shit with their significant others, break up and then cry because they don’t know what they did wrong, Smh. Idiots. No Drama for Kay!

I want a good listener. Not that I need to talk all the time but when I do it would be nice to know you heard everything I said and not just the last sentence (Yup, I know that trick… I invented).

Oh and did I mention? Great sex!!!

I think that covers everything. Do you notice height, weight, looks and finances never came up? Because I don’t have a preference on any of those things. The characteristics I listed above is what I need to be happy. How do I know, because one or more of those things were missing in previous relationships, which is why I’m single.

Love and Later Days,

-K

Ahhhhhh! Okay, I’m better now.

I want to clean my house and take a shower. I wasn’t able to do either things yesterday.  It’s quiet right now, so I might do it today.

I have to call the funeral home again today and my State Representative’s office about these damn death certificates. If I miss a deadline and I’m not able to get one of my dad’s benefits because of they’re negligence, this blog’s title will be changed to Rich Fun Philly because I am going to sue their ass off.

In other news, I thought of the name I will be Christening this blog with when I move. It will be called The Shag. The double meaning is that name is slang for sex and it’s the state dance for SC. I know I’m awesome.

What else is going on you ask? I don’t know if you can take it but I finally got Bad Piggies to download to my phone. Oh yeah, my luck is changing. Bad Piggies is a new game for your mobile from the Angry Birds ppl. This time you play as the pig instead of the pissed off birds. I know, right. Later today I will have another battery sucking, time consuming, memory draining, pointless game on my phone. Woo who!

Well that’s all. Lucky for me, I don’t think I can take anymore excitement.

Love and Later Days.

-K

This took it’s time publishing so I can finally *I did get that shower btw*

2013 is just swell so far…

You don’t know how I brought in the New Year because it will be identical to how I celebrate my bday. I won’t be doing a damn thing, lmao.

I am still on schedule with the March move. For those of you who may be thinking like the normal ppl way (it’s three long months away) need to adjust your thinking to the KayWay of thinking (it’s only 7 short weeks away). Ah, now you see why I’m stressing. I still have shit to throw out and paperwork to finish. School records to get, find an (another) apartment. The only good thing is I don’t have to go furniture and food shopping until after I move. We will be sleeping on air mattresses for a week, give or take.  In other words, I have a shitload of things to still get done, so it’s time to delegate some duties. I have been in tighter jams with less time to deal, we’ll be fine but I will be cranky and sleepless until “fine” appears.

There are still folks who think I’m not going anywhere but that’s because they haven’t been paying attention.

Love and Later days,

-K

What. The. Hell???

Yesterday, as you know, marked my return to the real and cyber world.  Since I decided to take the day off Saturday, (you know because I’m a mean, selfish, lazy bitch), I was returning some calls and texts to ppl who had their rude hat on.  Oh boy, did I get a pleasant reception (sweet sweet sarcasm, how I have missed using you).

Anywhosal, I got everything from guilt to fake guilt to fake concern for my safety.  How do I know it was fake concern, you ask? Because if it were real concern, the person would have actually let me answer the question, “…is everything alright?”before talking about herself again. I find that some ppl have to “talk themselves out”, what I mean is they have to talk until they are just tired of talking.  I heard her before I saw her, I could hear the entire conversation.  There was nothing to be added, however, within 45 here she was talking a blue streak about the same shit.  Knocking at my door.  Oh, you thought the conversation was being held in my home, Silly rabbit… No, it was held outside my home about 150 feet away from my front door.  They were outside and I was in my bedroom with the windows closed.  Yupper, the conversation was that loud. Basically, she’s mad no one can go with her to court for support. Smh, don’t even want to put my fingers through the stress of typing out that madness.

Anywhosal, back to me. Talked to Big Guy last night until about 3am. He was kind of pissy too Saturday, some of the reasons are because it touched on some issues we had in the past, others his own separately. Eh, it’s all good in the neighborhood.  We talked about it some, the night ended with me singing a bunch of commercials I remembered from when I was a kid and telling him about when I took my sister’s Michael Jackson and Brooke Sheilds dolls and popped their heads off and switched them.  The dolls would forever be know in our household as Brooke Jackson and Michael Sheilds. (if you had to Google or Bing them, you are too young for my posts). Why not replace the doll heads?  Because I had to cut the back of Brooke’s head to get it on Michael’s neck, resulting in Brooke Jackson having no neck, lmao.  My sister hated my ass for weeks. I laughed all the way through that story letting me know two things, one I had the sleepy-ha ha’s and two, if I were born in the late 80s or early 90s they would have heavily medicated my ass as a kid, lol. 

Anywhosal, I figured out yesterday me and Big Guy still have some talking to do because I’m hearing certain expectation peppered throughout our conversations that causes a little concern because I don’t want there to be any misunderstandings over pissy communication.

Who knew me going radio silent and getting some rest for the day would cause so much shit.  That means I am giving up waaaay too much control in my relationships, most of the ppl I know have boundary issues, it was a constant struggle keeping them in check before but during my rough patch at the end of 2012, a lot of folks took advantage of it. If I disappear for 12 to16 hours and ppl go apeshit like that… That means they have been taking a lot of control over our relationship and they were pissed they lost that control. I know I haven’t been myself lately but shit, I must have been sleep at the wheel for ppl to react the way they did Saturday.

Well off to say the world.

Love and Later Days,

-K

Tired of bitching…

But I am also tired of ppl acting like they don’t understand what the hell I’m saying.  Let me break down my schedule and u tell me if I’m lazy or if the ppl in my life are being inconsiderate…

6am – get daughters out the door for school (hair, check uniforms, breakfast)

6:15 – get water ready for mom.

6:20 to 6:45 – wash and dress my mom.

6:45 to 7:30 ish – cook my mom’s breakfast, clean her up after breakfast and move her from her nex to a chair. Give my mom her meds.

7:30 to 9:00 – clean up after breakfast, dress my mom, (change her again if necessary), mop the kitchen, dining room (where my mom sleeps) and living room. Wash down her mattress. Wash her linens and clothes.

9am -12 return any phone calls, make any calls for Dr’s appointments, schedule pick ups and drop offs for Dr. visits, place any calls for the kids (dr. appointments, class trips etc.)

12 to 1p make mom’s bed, move mom back to her bed and try to get her to take a nap. If I am successful I get to take a shower and clean my room. Decide what’s for dinner and start defrosting whatever that might be.

1pm fix lunch (after I figure out what is for lunch).

3pm kids arrive home and so does any homework, projects and papers that need signing.

4p start dinner.

5:30 eat dinner and start the kids getting ready for school.

6pm evening meds for mom.

7 -8 p get mom ready for bed.

8 try to get myself ready for the next day.

2am bedtime for me.

Now that is an average day, without therapy (she has some sort of therapy everyday). Without a Dr. visit (her primary comes to my house, all other Dr appts I have to travel away from home via ambulance to and from). Imagine that with the phone ringing nonstop. When I get her down to take a nap and someone decides to just stop by for a visit and the knocking at the door wakes her up or they stop by while I am trying to clean my damn house and they want to “visit”. Yup because no one thinks they need to call because when they stop by I’m not doing anything. You know why I’m not doing anything? Because their damn visit or phone call stopped me from doing any number of things. My neighbor gets insulted when I have the audacity to continue changing my mother, washing dishes, cleaning the bathroom or my room and not stop to listen to her bitch or belly ache about her ungrateful and disrespectful fucking kids (who are 20 and 14) or her loser exgirlfriend who keeps jerking her around and she keeps allowing to do so. She doesn’t even like it when I continue to talk on the phone or continue to text, even though, she stopped by unannounced and I was doing these things before you popped by.

People get mad because I don’t stop lifting, changing or cooking for my mother to answer the damn phone, even though they know they don’t want shit.  Not to mention I barely hear the words, “how are u doing?” How are your kids, how’s your mom?”

So what do you think, am I being a bad friend or do I just know a shitload of inconsiderate assholes.  Sorry to go on for so long.

Love and Later Days,

-K