Two sides to the same coin…

The coin in which I speak is me. One side is shiny and pretty. The other a little rusty, has dents and dings in it. It seems, upon close inspection, that as of the last few years I have only really been displaying the rusty side of me. 

Here’s the thing, although the rusty side is still me it’s just as beautiful as the other side but it’s covered in muck.  I’ve been presenting the muck side when I date because, believe it or not, most ppl are more comfortable with the mucked up side.  Why? Idk but they are and I have been more comfortable presenting it. I wish I weren’t but I am.  But if I want to be more of the girlfriend type and less of the girl who’s a friend type, I have to start acting accordingly.

Anyway, back to the mucky side is… that side has been betrayed, cheated on, drinks and smokes too much when stressed. It’s the side that can operate (not live but operate) on two or three hours of sleep. It’s the side that drunk dials/texts ppl. It can be a bit insecure as well. It’s mean and cranky. It also likes football and basketball. It’s the side that scratches and tells dirty jokes. It’s the side that needs only to come out after you really to know me, that way you were less likely to run away screaming. For years I was called a guy with boobs.

Now there is the other side, the clean cut side. I like to refer to this side as the black Barbie. She crosses her legs (hell she shaves her legs), she likes to wear makeup, she likes to smile and laugh. She likes wearing 4.5″ heels and putting on makeup. She likes a good movie or book, jazz and a nice cold glass of wine. She likes to flirt and be flirted with.  She likes perfume and to wear vanilla lotion. This side likes Mani/Pedis. She likes to be girlie and lady-like.

I like to show that side of the coin better. I like the rusty side as well but I think the reason I’ve had trouble dating lately (besides the fact that my movements are limited because of caring for my mother) is because even though the mucky side has almost always been presented, I was younger. We now live in the sarcastic, post Seinfeld era. In the 90s and early part of of the new millennium, sarcasm and direct women were one in a million. You barely met a woman who spoke her mind and knew herself sexually. Now that breed is a dime a dozen. Most of us hide our feminine side because to many of us (me included) view it as a weakness. We are more, for lack of a better term, man-ish. We only turn on our feminine side when we get to know a guy better.  Most guys are tired of the angry, sarcastic, sexually aggressive female. If we are taking on the more aggressive role in the relationship, what part are they left to play?

Everyone is trying to become a new person in 2013. I think I might actually go looking for the old one. I was happier before, I want to get back to that person.  The one who wasn’t jaded by bad relationships.

Love and Later Days,

-K

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