Please stop calling…

I hate when ppl call me on the phone and don’t have shit to say.  Why call if you’re just going to breathe heavy into the phone? Why ask me to call if you have nothing to say? I don’t get it. Probably because I’m not a phone person. I use the phone to check in on ppl. See how they’re doing, make plans, catch up. Call me crazy but I prefer face time.

NY has been calling like crazy since New Years. He texted a couple of times since I stopped dealing with him on Thanksgiving. You know, when I decided to risk everything and see where it would lead after he told me how he felt about me during summer. I wondered how long it would last and how it would end (I have a tendency to do that) whether it would end in a big argument or just fizzle out. Well now I know.  Even if I hadn’t ended it on Thanksgiving, it definitely would have fizzled out by now.

When he calls the line is pretty much open. I have started just hanging up after a few minutes. Maybe if we lived closer, or the sex had been better (at the time it was great because it had been a while), maybe if he actually listened to what I was saying or if he was here when I needed him, things might’ve been different. It’s ashamed because we were good together as friends.  He listened, he advised. I did the same, we made each other laugh. Was it crazy to think that if we added sex to it our relationship would only get better?

As friends I was content just having a phone relationship, why wouldn’t I be? We talked every morning. He was here for me in a way no man had been. Little did I know it was just to get in my pants, at least that’s how it felt. Now looking back I think he might have been just comfortable with our relationship. That probably would have been fine for a while if I weren’t losing my mind with grief and needed him to physically be here for me. He was in Philly a few times but never came to visit me. He visited his daughter (a given) and his Aunt but never me. It was just crazy. It felt too much like my relationship with TV guy.

TV guy would be in my house but yet was still not here. He would come here after work and play PS3, play chess on his laptop or he would download movies all day, which btw he never actually watched.  I had to schedule dinners out with him, which was met with, “not this week, next week. I’m too tired” or my favorite, “sure” and we just never went.  After thinking about it and tolerating it for way too long I finally ended it. My youngest was getting older and all I could think was after she graduated and moved out I would be stuck with him and I would be bored out of mind so bad we would have our story on the ID channel. So, I ended it.

I don’t want to feel like I’m watching and waiting for water to boil.  In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not all that exciting but damn, should I have to hold a mirror up to our relationship every few hours to see if it’s breathing? The only time I think a guy wants to be bothered is when I don’t.  Last weekend NY just showed up here in Philly and wanted to see me.  Are you kidding me? Where were you a few months ago? Where was the “surprise” visit then? Back when I needed it? I’m over it, he seemed upset that I declined the visit and never even bother to call him. I only spoke to him via text.  He thinks I’m being petty and trying to get back at him. I’m not, I just don’t care anymore. How do I turn my feelings off like that? I didn’t. I always loved him, always will. Just not like that… When I decided to see what would happen, it was out of lust, loneliness and later, loss. I had sex with him, now the lust is gone. Loneliness comes and goes but it’s magnified by lust and/or loss.  Now that the lust is gone. I got to see more clearly, that I love him, just not in that way and that’s not enough. Not for me, maybe it is for him or maybe he really does love me the other way but does that matter if it isn’t mutual? Why waste the time? He still won’t change the way does things. Which were the things making me unhappy. When things are happening with him he loves the support I give but I can’t get even the support I would get from a training bra.  The main thing is I refuse to settle and being with him would be just that, settling.  Didn’t mean to go on for so long.

Love and Later Days,

-K

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