Monthly Archives: June 2014

Problem with online dating…

I have been dating on and off for years online.  One of the reasons I have been having difficulty is because I come across better in person than I do on paper when it comes to dating.  If I’m looking for work, my resume speaks volumes but not so much when it comes to dating. I finally figured out why… In my real life I’m not an aggressive dater. I’m used to being courted, wooed… hell, I’ll just say it, I’m used to being chased.  I The kind of guy I date makes the plans for our date.  He calls me, he asks me out, he asks for my number.

When online dating, I’m have to be the aggressor. I have to come out of my comfort zone.  I’m suddenly something, I’m not in my real life.  I become insecure.  I’m second guessing my jokes, wondering if they’re coming across properly in print.  Writing those damn profiles are torture.  Once I move on to the talking on the phone portion of the courtship, my insecurity grows even more, why you ask?  Because on more occasions than I can count I have been called “sir”. When I meet folks in person, they see me and hear my voice at the same time (which thankfully my voice doesn’t match my appearance, think Sofia Bush), so when they hear my voice on the phone later, it doesn’t cause a concern.  Someone once told me that he thought I would look like the mother on “What’s Happening”, the actress named Mabel King…

mabel king

 

Most people who meet me either think I look like Angela Bassett or Lynn Whitfield.  I don’t agree, but you will agree that’s a far cry from Mabel King.  So I worry that my deep voice is going to scare off a prospective Mr. Right for me. Basically the role reversal makes me uncomfortable and Idk how to become that other type of woman.  The type who can approach a guy without feeling or looking awkward.  I’ve never had to do it in the past and when I’m able to go out, for something other than a chore (hell even chores), I have no problems turning heads, even being 40 lbs overweight.  After we get a conversation going I’m normally golden.  This way feels so backward, so weird and I’m having issues getting past it.  I need to figure out a way around this otherwise I’m going to continue stumbling through this crap.  If I can just get a good profile…

I’ll let you know what I figure out.

Love and Later Days,

-K

Passive Aggressive much???

Ok, last we spoke, we were talking about the Mechanic.  I told you about my red flags, since posting I haven’t seen him and he has chosen only to communicate to me via text.  When I was dating a married man in my early twenties (don’t judge), he said something that still rings in my ears every time a man chooses to communicate primarily or only through text.  

She can’t hear what I don’t say…   

Anywhosal since we haven’t had a chance to speak face to face since last week, I decided to do a little fishing, he sent me a good morning text, it had an apology in it because he was supposed to call last night around 8ish.  He told me he fell asleep.  So I loaded up my fishing rod with this little gem, “It’s cool, I never expect to hear from you in the evening.” I wanted to see what kind of fish I would hook.  I had my fingers crossed for none but instead I got a whopper.  It said something along the lines of “not cool”.  I asked him what he got out that text, he sent back,  He got that I was trying to say he was “hiding a wife and kids some where” and if I “have a question just ask.”  I blew it off with something breezy like “not the case” I know you have other obligations, blah, blah, snore.  After which I asked what he was doing with the rest of his week because “I would like to see you”.  He says “will do”. It’s friggin Wednesday, who doesn’t know what they’re doing Thursday and Friday on Wednesday?  Now what pops into my head is the episode with George, from Seinfeld, screening his calls because he knows the woman he’s dating is going to dump him. Resulting in him sending Kramer on a date in his place, the woman asks Kramer to pass the “Break up message” along to George, allowing her to dump George by Proxy.  I think he knows this conversation is coming, but since I sent that little text and his response, it now allows me to open up the conversation without being confrontational or seeming like I’m paranoid.  Good lawyers do it in court all the time to allow evidence to be admitted that normally would be outside the purview of an argument.  The next time we go out, I’m going to tell him his response to my “innocent” text bothered me.  I made a harmless comment and he went way out left field, what’s that all about?  I know it’s passive aggressive, I know but I like this guy and I don’t want to accuse him of anything that may but a strain on a budding relationship.  That kind of thing puts a dark cloud over a relationship that never goes away.  Say you and your boyfriend met and slept together while you were still in another relationship with someone else, for your entire relationship with your new boyfriend, every time he doesn’t answer his phone, doesn’t respond to a text or he’s “hanging out” you’re wondering if he’s cheating on you too, even if he has been nothing but faithful since you started a monogamous relationship.  I don’t want that kind of cloud following me, even if we just end up being friends.

We shall see what happens and I will keep you posted.

Love and Later Days.

-K

Uh oh, Red Flags…

So I went out with the Mechanic, and I have seen him a couple of times since then, but I’m seeing red flags pop up here and there.  It’s beginning to bother me, it’s bothering me so much that when he asked me out for lunch today, I canceled.  Yeah I know, me cancel on free food and cocktails.  We had a conversation the other day that was very enlightening.  As per usual I enjoyed our conversation… his directness, his humor and his thoughtfulness.  I also appreciate his ability to listen and respond thoughtfully.  I know, I know, where are the red flags?  For one, I swore he told me he was divorced.  That isn’t the case, he “says” he’s going to mediation with the ex next month to finally conclude the divorce.  If I knew he was this newly single, I would have never dated him.  He has been married for over twenty years.  There are still a lot of raw emotions there.  You can’t love someone for twenty years and there not be a possibility of backsliding.  I may have gotten the impression that he was divorced because he refers to her as his ex-wife.  RED FLAG number one.

Then this weekend I was supposed to get baptized again, it didn’t happen (a story for another blog perhaps), so I called him when I got in from church yesterday.  He answered and said he would call right back he was moving boxes.  Ok, right?  He calls back immediately, when I answer he says again, I’ll call you right back but this time quietly.  I figured he pocket dialed me on that call.  No problem, right?  Then I get a third call, in this one it sounds as if he’s about to give the “mistress tone”, you know the one, you’ve probably heard it about a million times in movies.  The tone that’s given to the needy mistress who calls during dinner, it’s normally accompanied by this statement “I’m with my family right now, you know not to call me at home.” The one Dennis Haysbert gave to Whitney Houston in Waiting to Exhale when they were sitting pool side that caused him to get a drink in his lap. yeah that tone.  He caught himself and just decided to remind me that he was spending time with his grand kids, they were having dinner at his mother in laws house with the Pastor of his church and he couldn’t talk, it also didn’t go over well that he (supposedly) has my number saved in his phone as “Kay, his future lady”. hmmm fishy much?  RED FLAG number two!

My theory is he’s not separated from his wife, they were at his mother in law’s house and my name did show up on the phone, just not the way he said and he told them I was a client.  Doing this allowed him to sneak off into another room and briefly call me back.  The other red flag I’m getting is he never calls me at night.  The latest he’s ever called has been at 9:30 pm and that was because he was on his way home from some where.  Other than that I only have received calls from his cellphone and only during his working hours, even when we went out he left from work and met me at a restaurant. 

Now I’m sitting here in the dark deciding what to do, I’m thinking of calling him on it.  I know a lot of folks only use mobile devices and don’t have land-lines in their homes but generally not at his age, he’s in the generation that’s still afraid to order stuff online.  So I really can’t see him having a mobile and not a land-line, if for nothing else but in case of emergency.  Down here we have a lot of storms during this time of the year, electric and mobile devices get knocked out all the time.  I even have a land-line (even though I don’t have a phone connected to it) because the last storm we had knocked out our cell phones.

I’m going to bring this to his attention and turn on my bullshit meter, if he has an explanation, I’ll leave it alone.  If not, I’m going to get out of it before I get in too deep.  I’m going to be straight with him and tell him I have been hurt and used in the past, not to the extent that I hide in bushes and follow men around but to the extent that if I smell a rat, I’m out of there.  That will give him ample warning, that way he’ll know why I stop answering his calls if the shit doesn’t add up.

Love and Later Days, 

-K