Figuring it out…


As I said before I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I’m a very proactive person.  I don’t believe in sitting life out and letting it happen to me. Living your life like that can cause problems.  But being “proactive” with your life can have it’s downside too.  It can cause you to “jump out of the frying pan, into the fire”, sometimes even when there was never a need to jump in the first place but it can also make for a very amusing life *laughing like the Joker, in Suicide Squad*.

Today, I spent the day doing employment assessments and aptitude tests.  I know what I’m good at, I want to find out what I’m great at… I’m one of those people, if I know what I’m doing, I’m happy with my job.  But if I have to struggle for understanding, I’m not happy, you can see it in my work, and I start looking for other employment options.

Since my father’s stroke in 2007, I have been Temping and doing “work from home” positions, neither pays very well. Since I’m some what stable (because of Raleigh) and we have a new baby at home, I’m looking for stability in my career.  Why now? It’s true what they say, youth is wasted on the young.  Like most young people, I felt like I had time to figure it out.  I had time to go back to school.  I was working a good job, I had money in the bank, a (new) reliable vehicle.  I had planned for everything, except illness.  My dad got sick first, my mother followed 2 weeks later.  They were in two different hospitals that year, little did I know, hospitals and rehab centers would become a huge part of my life for the next ten years.  Basically, raising two kids alone, taking care of both my parents, financially and physically and working full-time doesn’t leave much time to blow your nose and trying to “find yourself” takes a backseat to feeding, clothing and sheltering everyone.  Now 10 years later, I look up and find out I have no clue who I am.

The last time I felt this way was 19 years ago, when I was newly separated from my (ex) husband and filing for divorce. I had no clue who I was, what I liked to do… hell, I didn’t even know what type of movie I liked to watch. Now almost 20 years later, I’m back at the beginning.  I’m finding this to be a theme lately.  I used to think of it as starting over, now, I think of it as stepping back.  You know how if you sit or stand too close to something, you can’t see everything? What do you do to see the full picture? Step back, I have had to step back a few times lately.  It has not only given me clarity, it has stopped me from being a huge ball of stress and worry. Take for example my weight.  Anyone following me for a while know I have been trying to lose weight for years, being a care taker is bad for your waistline and makes for a fat, flabby ass.  I have been trying everything but lately, I’m actually losing weight.  You know why? I’m no longer concerned with pounds.  I celebrate losing every ounce, instead of feeling  frustrated that I’m not at my ideal weight, my goal is to lose 40lbs.  Over the last three weeks, I have lost 15lbs.  Instead setting my sights on a specific date: bathing suit season or my birthday, etc.  I just keep focusing on losing the ounces because they equal pounds.  I had been focusing and stressing over my finances. Raleigh and I found a way to consolidate everything into 3 bills… rent, car note, and auto insurance. We had to step back and move some place that had everything included in the rent.  Not where we wanted to live, but it will give us a chance to get our bills under control and save some money before moving again.

While we’re at this point, I figured this was the perfect, well not perfect but a good time to figure out what to do about my career.  I really haven’t found anything out about myself today through the test that I didn’t already know about myself. I guess I’ll just keep looking at job descriptions, going on the different college websites for ideas and figure something out.  You know the saying, if ye seek, ye shall find.  So seek I shall.

Taking a step back can sometimes be very essential to your progress, don’t look at it as a failure or something to be ashamed of, look at it for what it is, an opportunity to get your shit together.

Love and Later Days



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