It’s in my head, my back, my shoulders, my neck. I hate that we’re always in a hopping from one foot to the next situation. The only stress I have these days is money, not enough of it, enough not coming soon enough. I think about how much we make and how much our bills are and we have enough but one little surprise and we’re stuck. Right now I have a car outside I can’t drive because I didn’t get paid soon enough.
We have a house we can move into but have to wait to get paid to pay the deposit, so we pay a hotel (which will eat into the deposit) until we can get our deposit together. Every time we’re out of one financial bind, a new one shows up. When financial problems occur, I find myself thinking of the pizza I ordered because I’m too tired to cook and think how that money could have went toward, blah, blah, blah… then I beat myself up because I spent $30 on something frivolous. I remember how frivolous spending years ago was going out and spending $300 on a night with the girls and I cringe. That was before my parents became ill and I had to take care of both of them Physically and Financially,
I cry sometimes, I pray all the time and just remember “this to shall pass…”. But when, when does this pass. When do I stop stressing, worrying. When does this pain in my neck, head, back and shoulders go away. I get some relief sometimes, when all the bills are paid but that only lasts for about a week or two and then more of those fuckers show up. I’ve isolated me and my family because I know there are folks that were smiling in my face and waiting for my downfall. It’s sad so many folks feel that the only way for them to shine is by diminishing or extinguishing your light. Then there are the folks who will push you over a cliff so they can pull you back, just to declare to anyone listening how they saved you.
I woke up this morning hurting all over because I knew what I needed to do and I know that it is almost impossible to get it done today. That it has to be today or we may lose everything. There’s a tightening in my chest, around my neck, I know it’s all stress because I may not be able to get it done today. I need about $500. That would make a huge difference today. But where do I get it? Lottery Ticket? Go Fund Me? Doing a Survey online? Maybe my Wheel Watcher number will come up on Wheel of fortune tonight. I have a better chance of getting struck by lightening than any of those things happening. Maybe I could slide in the DMs of one of the celebrities I follow on Facebook or Twitter and ask them for it. You see how they’re always helping random fans, so they’ll give it to me right?
I’m sad and tired and stressed and worried and angry as hell…
Love and Later Days,