Fellas, I’m sorry in advance, run while you still can.
Now that they’re gone, Ladies, can we talk? I have been in Hormone Hell for over 2 years.
I was pregnant from the end of 2014 to August 2015, yes I was hormonal.
I began breastfeeding, yes I was hormonal.
I began birth control for the first time in 15 years because before I got preggers with Bubba, I thought (for medical reasons) I couldn’t get pregnant anymore, yes I was hormonal.
I came off of birth control because I couldn’t lose any weight, yes I’m hormonal.
I just got my Auntie Flo back after 2 YEARS. The first one lasted over a month. Let me say that again because it bears repeating, ONE MONTH WITH AUNT FUCKING FLO, yes I hormonal.
Give me a break, I cry for no reason. I get angry at the drop of a hat. Some days I don’t want to get out of bed. My hair has fallen out, all of it. My nails won’t grow. I have acne like I’m 16. I hurt all of the time because I’m fat as hell. I get confused and forget shit all the time. My mind wanders. I’m irritable. None of my damn clothes fit and most days I look like shit because I’m chasing a toddler, while working from home at the same damn time. Most of this is because of my hormones are out of control. I have to deal with all of that and still function like a normal and sane person. It’s damn difficult. I spent about 10 minutes looking for the phone and I was actually holding it walking around the house listening in on a conference call.
Why did I write this post, say it with me folks, BECAUSE YES, I’m hormonal!
I can’t believe I’m having problems making working out part of my normal lifestyle again. I danced ballet, tap and jazz for 20+ years, I was used to dancing three or four times a week for each class and from 7am to 3pm. Practicing new routines for hours on end daily. I danced all the way up to my 6th month of my pregnancy with my oldest daughter (17, ALMOST 18 years), I actually performed in a Play that ran for a week including two matinées on both Saturday and Sunday.
During high school, I ran cross country. After my divorce, I just stopped, I did run again after that on and off for years. .. Now I can’t get my motor running again. I’ve tried and I’m trying again. I did Zumba, I liked it but my playstation 3 stopped working and I gave up. I tried running again and my treadmill died, it’s like the fitness gods hate me.
I’m trying to get started again with Julianne Michaels. It’s a six week program, I’m hoping to see some type of difference. I have back fat, BACK FAT! I have cellulite on my legs, um ew.
I’m trying to lose 40 to 60lbs. I have moved to this beautiful beach city and I want to put on a bathing suit this season. I picture myself on the beach, hair flowing and enjoying the sun. I don’t need to be in a two piece bathing (although I would love to be in one), a bathing suit that I just feel comfortable in would be great. A pair of jeans that I feel good in that aren’t too tight or too loose. A shirt that I can pull down that isn’t hanging off of me or keeps rolling up my stomach. I hate that I look like I’m three months pregnant. I feel good when I look good. I have never been in a position which I don’t look good in anything I put on.
Let’s hope I can do this, I mean my father used to say “I try means, I’ll fail”. So no trying… just doing.
Let’s get this party started.
Love and Later Days,
Not that you pervs. I met Raleigh in person. No catfish here, he wasn’t a serial killer or an axe murderer. He was a complete gentleman and he followed my lead in the PDA department. We had a great weekend and I was really sad to see him go. I know you’re waiting for it… the other shoe to drop. Well he’s pessimistic. He has had shitty relationships and because of it he is constantly waiting for this to blow up in his face. He often asks what I see in him or worries about me ditching him and all the reassurance in the world isn’t working. He’s so worried about pushing me away, that he’s pushing me away.
I’m trying not to get frustrated or annoyed but it is really bugging me. We’re like the episode of SaTC when Adian and Carey first start dating and she keeps wondering what’s wrong with him. Only with Raleigh, he’s always worries he’s going to say or do something wrong.
Being the sole caregiver of two sick parents for over a decade teaches you to Carpe Diem. My life literally changes in an instant, daily. Because of this I don’t worry about what happens next, so this causes conflict in our relationship. His visit has actually made this worse because it has taken the distance from hypothetical to actual. It has made me a living breathing person that he cares about. Thankfully he isn’t worrying about me finding someone else and leaving him because if he did, that added to his other unfounded fears would be the death of our relationship.
I want to sit back and just let everything take it’s course because I know what this feels like on the other side. This guy I was really into just had a “devil may care” attitude and to him I may have seemed like Raleigh. Always anxious, always worried this would blow up in my face. He wasn’t patient or considerate to my relationship PTSD. I ended up ending it because I felt the guy didn’t care enough. Truth is I was driving him insane constantly looking for reassurance. Little did he know, had he have just gave me just a little more attention. Held my hand just a little tighter, I would have snapped out of it. I know this because a few months later I did. I think he will too, not because I plan on bestowing poems, flowers and kinds words upon him but just because when he relaxes and sees after a few more months, I’m not going anywhere. That I can get angry and that not mean the end of us, he’ll start to have more faith. I also think the times we visit will make the time apart easier… if he doesn’t I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it, carpe diem remember 😉
Love and Later days,
I have been dating on and off for years online. One of the reasons I have been having difficulty is because I come across better in person than I do on paper when it comes to dating. If I’m looking for work, my resume speaks volumes but not so much when it comes to dating. I finally figured out why… In my real life I’m not an aggressive dater. I’m used to being courted, wooed… hell, I’ll just say it, I’m used to being chased. I The kind of guy I date makes the plans for our date. He calls me, he asks me out, he asks for my number.
When online dating, I’m have to be the aggressor. I have to come out of my comfort zone. I’m suddenly something, I’m not in my real life. I become insecure. I’m second guessing my jokes, wondering if they’re coming across properly in print. Writing those damn profiles are torture. Once I move on to the talking on the phone portion of the courtship, my insecurity grows even more, why you ask? Because on more occasions than I can count I have been called “sir”. When I meet folks in person, they see me and hear my voice at the same time (which thankfully my voice doesn’t match my appearance, think Sofia Bush), so when they hear my voice on the phone later, it doesn’t cause a concern. Someone once told me that he thought I would look like the mother on “What’s Happening”, the actress named Mabel King…
Most people who meet me either think I look like Angela Bassett or Lynn Whitfield. I don’t agree, but you will agree that’s a far cry from Mabel King. So I worry that my deep voice is going to scare off a prospective Mr. Right for me. Basically the role reversal makes me uncomfortable and Idk how to become that other type of woman. The type who can approach a guy without feeling or looking awkward. I’ve never had to do it in the past and when I’m able to go out, for something other than a chore (hell even chores), I have no problems turning heads, even being 40 lbs overweight. After we get a conversation going I’m normally golden. This way feels so backward, so weird and I’m having issues getting past it. I need to figure out a way around this otherwise I’m going to continue stumbling through this crap. If I can just get a good profile…
I’ll let you know what I figure out.
Love and Later Days,
That is the sound of ice hitting up against my glass. A lot of shit is going on right now. My oldest daughter is putting the screws to me… I’m dealing with it as best I can. I’m worried shitless about her but she’s testing her limits, it’s driving me insane like I guess most parents of kids that are Seniors in High School. They’re at the age that they’re not grown but not kids anymore… they don’t know how to act and you don’t know what to do with them.I’m worried sick about it but all I can do is pray and remember I have another kid and a sick mother to worry about who rely on me too. I’m just gonna keep moving and pray she comes to her senses.
I plan to go out for a little while tonight. My aunt is here if something happens and I’ll be right around the corner watching movies, talking shit and drinking. For a few hours I won’t be a mom, daughter or single woman looking for her soul mate, just Kay.
Have a great and safe weekend.
Love and Later Days,
I know I post these periodically but I’m peeved.
I hate profiles with men in profile pics….
With a baby or kid.
Holding a cat.
Sleeping with a dog.
High (I know I listed it three times)
Weirdo pics (I saw a man dressed like Ed Grimly)
Work out pics
Group shots (It’s the shot used by guys with self esteem issues. They think they’re ugly so they posts pics of them in group shots hoping you think they’re the attractive guy on the right).
Shadow or obscured pictures *squinting and looking suspicious*
Half naked pics
Pics that are over 20 yrs old.
That is all 4 now.
Love and Later Days,
I have about 45 days to 8 weeks before I get out of this situation. I haven’t blogged about all that has been going on with me but after I finish weathering this storm, I will tell you everything that’s been going on. That blog has been written and it is titled “You’re going to need a drink for this…”, I want to share it with you because life is about being knocked down. When I get knocked down again I want to have it on hand to remind me just how bad this time was, sigh.
Anywhosal, I’m trying to get motivated for my next steps. I have gained about 40lbs and they have to go. I can’t afford a personal trainer or liposuction and I’m too small for gastric bypass. I believe your outside reflects how you feel on the inside. That being said, how I look on the outside can change the way I feel on the inside. If I drop some weight and go back to wearing makeup, it should lift my spirits (fingers crossed). So I need to get my fat ass on the floor and knock out my situps. I need to eat better and at the same times. I also have to stop trying to sleep through all this crazy. I really don’t want to be bothered with this crazy so I shut down. I take care of my mother and the kids but not myself. I started dating again to try and get over this hump. The date kinda sucked but I got back out there. I have been hanging out with someone close to me and her boyfriend but that’s more because she lives close enough that I can go there and get back here in under a minute. It’s an escape because I don’t want to be where I am right now, trust me, no one would want to be.
If I can just get motivated and get moving I will do better. I will feel better. I’m waiting on paperwork but I forgot to ask when I should expect the paperwork and for a contact number to inquire about the paperwork. So I spend my days stalking the mailman, when the mail comes and it’s not there, it takes everything to keep me from going back to bed.
Pray I shake this feeling off, I just want everything to be okay. I hate this state of purgatory I’ve been in for the last two years. I just want to be free to act my age. 45 more days.
Love and Later Days,
Went out on a date with Professor. It started bad and ended mediocre. The middle was ok. We met at a bar he picked (did I mention I hate bar dates?).
I got lost and ended up being an hour and a half late. Didn’t matter much to him because he took the time to drink his way through a pitcher of beer. I did call while I was driving up and down I95 to let him know I was completely lost. He said he would wait. We would have had a great conversation if he wasn’t “two sheets to the wind” and the music wasn’t so loud we had to yell to hear each other. He thought it would be a good idea to finish my beer and then paw me in the parking lot. If I wanted to date a frat boy I would have been looking in a much younger demographic, he was 52 btw.
In case you’re wondering, there will be no further contact.
Love and Later days,
I had and still have a big problem with asking for help. Because of this difficulty, it has made me a very strong woman. Which is good because you have to be a strong woman to be a single parent. However it made shit a whole lot more difficult than necessary after my father passed away last year.
I say all of this as a setup (of course). I used to go out with this guy. We broke up because he was bossy and never knew how to keep shit between us. We had a mutual “friend”. This “friend” had a thing for the guy and had for years. The feeling wasn’t/isn’t mutual because… wait for it… she was too bossy for him and couldn’t keep shit to herself. Funny, I know, but true. This guy was/is a Minister (I’ll wait while you try to picture it). I met him years ago through my exhusband and has been friends with him for years. Oh didn’t I mention, my exhusband was a Pastor. Okay now you’re being ridiculous, get off the floor it’s not that amazing. Anywhosal for this particular rant we will call him Preach.
There were obviously other problems with me and Preach but the fact that he ran his mouth like an old woman at a sewing circle, drove me nuts.
Okay already tying loose ends up now. Recently I called Preach to ask for his assistance (I even hate to say the “H” word). The mutual friend came to me and told me about our conversation as soon as she got off from work. Soon as she leaves he calls me on the phone and tells me when he will bring over what I asked for and informs me he’s only doing it because he wants to see me again. Sidebar – I saw him three months ago at a wake. He wanted to take me out to dinner or lunch the following week and I have been either ducking him or giving an excuse for the last few months.
Back to the matter at hand. A year ago, if he would have said that to me my pride, which is the size of Mt Rushmore, would have made me tell him to fuck off with written instruction on how to accomplish such a task. These days, it not that I don’t have pride or that I put it down sometimes, it’s I have learned the difference between pride and stupidity.
Love and Later Days,
Please don’t laugh. I have been using Twitter for years but it was a sporadic thing. I even deleted my account and had to create a new one at one point. I tweeted maybe every few months maybe less. About once a year at one point.
Over the last year I have gone from tweeting several times a year to several times a day. I now tweet via my smart phone, rather than my laptop, which means when new features appear, I don’t get a tutorial like when you upgrade from a computer. Now I have no more of an idea what some of the features are, than wtf they’re trying to say in these new stupid Burlington Coat Factory commercials. Like wth is this damn “blue line” connecting two tweets.
Damn, I hope I won’t have to go any further than having to Google or Bing these damn features because I know damn well there is a “Twitter for Dummies” book out there some where and I refuse to buy it, not that I don’t need it, it’s just the principle.
Love and Later Days,